clerkfiction333

Fri, 10 Nov 2006 07:03:15 GMT

Well, I haven't updated this in a long ass time, so I guess I'm overdue for something. Well before I start ranting, let me start ranting. Here is something I wrote fairly recently. Give me your feedback, I hope you enjoy.

The pen seems heavier this time around. Lately when I pick it up, it seems like more of a challenge. It's alright though. I blame myself for that one for putting a strain on myself to be better, to be something. Because lately I find myself staring into a hollow shell. Whatever I do isn't good enough, I must go over the top of myself, but it never seems to work out. I am in my room frozen to the world trying to look inside myself. You know what I see? Me neither. Maybe I need to look deeper inside to find what I am looking for. I feel detached to a lot of things. Things that I was to before, but some things that I don't want to be. I don't do this on purpose, it just happens. It is hard to control how or what you feel sometimes. I will see to it to wake up every morning, put on a synthetic smile, and do my best to see other people happy. I do my best to say or do the right thing to the right people so it makes them feel remotely better about their day. But I sometimes find it hard to take my own advice. I don't know what I am trying to say, but for now I just hope that you don't turn out like me in the emotional aspect. I guess I need to keep fighting to have a clear mind.

So for now, Much Love,

J-Roy

Fri, 29 Sep 2006 21:47:45 GMT

Hoping things will get better.

Fri, 29 Sep 2006 03:09:24 GMT

Visited a good friend today. Aleksandr G. Haas. Still hard to believe that it has been a whole year. It was awkward being there. His spirit still lives on in everyones hearts and will forever be remembered. I guess it is just better to remember the good times. R.I.P. Alek Haas, we all miss you.

"A man can be destroyed but not defeated."

Thu, 28 Sep 2006 03:22:14 GMT

19 today. Doesn't feel like much is changing. Waiting...always waiting.

Tue, 12 Sep 2006 05:43:39 GMT

Lonely Eyes

These lonely eyes can see the ways
Of the tragic events in our most dying days
Behind these eyes, there is a fear
With no time for weakness, and no strength for tears
It makes me hope if there is a chance for a fight
But my mind compells me, leaving me awake at night
Words can't describe what I feel inside
A shell of distress, forever I hide
Go on without me, I will be ok
Just don't ever doubt me, I'm sure there's a way
Out of here, no more pain
Done with this life of constant vain
So leave me here, mind astray
It will all make sense one day
I shall remain alone in this shell of mine
While these lonely eyes keep me company
Until the end of time

Yeah, I suck at poetry, but give me your opinion anyways. It is highly apprieciated.

Sun, 03 Sep 2006 05:18:56 GMT

Well, what can I say. I am single again. Man, I think this is the story of my life. Oh well, shit happens I guess. I'm not going to lie and say that things will be better or that I can do better, because I honestly dont know if I can. But why should I let that bother me or stop me from doing things. I could kill myself but fuck all that. If I kill myself that means that everyone else wins. Everyone that ever told me that I couldn't do it, that I was a loser, that I was a freak, that I couldn't make it. If I kill myself, they all win. Well you know what, FUCK YOU PEOPLE. Not that I'm anyone but you're no better than me. I can do something, and I will in life one day. I'll just be doing it alone from now on. I can't say I'm the best person in the world, but I try not to be an asshole to everyone. It's hard to trust people on a romantic level because someone will always hurt you in the end. Thats with my experience anyways. But you know what, in the words of Henry Rollins, I just gotta keep on jammin'. So what I guess I am trying to say is to watch your ass, and if you have love, do your best to hold onto it. And if you dont have love and want it, all I can say is wait it out and something will happen for you, but most importantly, don't end up like me in the end. I'm just glad that I can keep a friendship with one of the coolest people in the world. So until next time, peace out, much love, and don't hold any grudges.

Jamie Michael Roy Esquire

Tue, 29 Aug 2006 04:11:53 GMT

Do you ever get that feeling that everything in life is going so great that nothing, and i mean NOTHING can take that away. A feeling of ecstasy and comfort that everything is going to be alright. Except for that one thing that just makes you feel miserable and tears you up inside beyond your control. It is a feeling when you know that something in you is ever perpetuating into a dark abyss. Well my name is Jamie, what are ya drinkin' ;)

Fri, 25 Aug 2006 13:16:23 GMT

As of right now, it is 9am. I only got 3 hours of sleeps if that and for some reason, it feels as if my mind is on pause. Disregard this entry because to be honest, I have no clue how I am functioning this morning. The human mind can be an awkward thing. I am realizing that now. But today, I will go for a walk. I feel like taking a journey away from everything. Away from people, away from society, away from any negative or positive emotion. But most of all, away from life. It seems like my head is in constant motion anyway. The saddest thing about it is that I dont know why and have no control over it. I just need anything, ANYTHING as a distraction. I am willing to go as far as shock torture. Something big enough to keep my mind off itself. Because as much as I love everyone, I feel pretty distant and alone from people lately. But of all the people in my life I miss, the person I see in the mirror is the one I miss the most.

Fri, 25 Aug 2006 02:12:48 GMT

As these days go by, I see the world for what it is. A mess. I see people around me and cant help but try and figure them out. It is no use. I guess I will just disconnect myself from everyone else. The living dead. We are surrounded by them and I dont think there is a way to escape them. Today at meijer I saw a man repeating the same phrase along the lines of "I am the head officer, and this is a serious matter." The only problem was that nobody was there for him to talk to. Sure he was crazy in a sense, but we need to figure out why he was. Maybe throughout the years he has learned to be distant. He didn't want to be a product of this environment. He learned to be alone and his mind got the best of him. Its the sad reality that any area inhabited by people is bound to destruct under constant sociality. Why is it that people feel a lost sense of comfort by talking their asses off to anyone. Family, friends, distant strangers, anyone. Anyone and everyone. Social interaction for no real reason, just a friendly chat. In a perfect world, real beauty can be found when 2 people just shut the hell up and look at eachother. You can always seem to find all the answers when you are in silence. All the mindless talking in the world can't find that. I don know, maybe I'm the one who is crazy. It seems that way lately.

Much Love, J-Roy

Wed, 02 Aug 2006 05:08:11 GMT

Silent night
holy grail
seize to exist
meant to fail
the problems get bigger
as the days go by
hang your head in sorrow
buy into the lie

I have seen great demons
which hollow my name
an unrelenting darkness
that puts me to shame

It is times like these
we are meant to please
but the forces are strong
spread like a disease

We must fight this nature
destroy this beast
for our moments of triumph
and times of bitter peace

Havent updated in a while so I thought I would give something rather recent. Since I am doing that, this entry will be semi-personal. There has been a lot going on in the past month and I havent really felt the desire to write. Some good things and some bad. My dad had 2 mild heart attacks in the span of a few months and went to the hospital and got quadruple bypass surgery. No worries. The good thing is that he is recovering better than normal which is great. On a better note, lately I have been feeling like I am amounting to something in my life. I am getting more hours at Imperial doing cook work which is great. I got tickets for Tool which I thought I would never do. But the greatest things of all seemed to happen today. It took me 4 years, 2 summers, and 1 night, but I finally graduated, diploma and all. Suprised the hell out of me. The other thing is that I now officially have a girlfriend of whom I thought I would never get in a million years. So for the time being, shit is going my way. Which is great but scary at the same time. I never had so much go my way at once. Maybe I should just embrace it and stop trying to find reasons for things to be bad. But give me credit, this is all new to me. Anyway, I will write more as long as people keep reading.

Much love,

J-Roy

Fri, 02 Jun 2006 17:58:57 GMT

What can I say. None of it is there. Gone, all of it. My will, happiness, sadness, joy, caution, content, dilema, depression. All of it is gone. What does one do now. It is like all emotion is disconnected from you. As if a tragedy happened in your mind and nobody else really knows or cares. Oh well, These occurances fade away I guess. Apathy can be a lethal thing. Don't ever let it consume you. I suppose I am just confused. Confused by an emptiness that journeys for miles. I hope that some of you have felt this before and that I am not just crazy. But for now, all feeling is on pause. Feeling neither happy nor sad. You just feel like you are taking up space and waiting for something. An answer maybe. But to what? Who are you? Why are you here? What is your purpose in life? What are you to do? These questions are all standard. Tell me what you really want to know. The questions like, "What is this feeling haunting me and will it ever go away?" Or "How can I love someone so much and be so close, but be too afraid to tell them how I really feel?" Nobody really has the answers to those questions. I wish that I did but I am just a very cynical man with limited resources and way too much free time. The point is this, don't ever feel alone. If you feel the need to let your true emotions go, then so be it. Friends and loved ones may judge but don't worry. We know you're stronger than them. Never be afraid, be ALIVE.

Sun, 14 May 2006 18:46:36 GMT

Stranded. That is how I feel right now. Lately I haven't really felt connected with anyone or anything. I know i'm not depressed, but I just feel like i'm waiting for death. Like I lost my smile. In these past weeks I have been booked with school and work, a vicious cycle. Neither of them are very stressing at all or hard to handle. the time between is whats distracting. Here, in this room is where all the dull and complacent thoughts pour into my head. I've had this figure in my head of a beautiful woman, whom I have never met and will probably never meet. There was no sexual contact of any sort, no negative or positive emotion, nothing. There isn't even really a clear image, its just the thought and all the surroundings and events that make it beautiful. I would just lay my head back, close my eyes, and it would all be there. Most people would find it comforting, which it is, but it is also quite distracting. Makes me lose focus. I'm not sure if it is suppose to represent something. Oh well, i'm not going to question it. Maybe i'm just insane. I know that deep inside, all is not lost.I will be back to normal. Life is a series of moments. The present is all we have. The past can never come back, and the future is never there. All we have is now, this moment, and at this moment I have lost myself. No worries, it is soon to be found in these writings. Until then I'll keep writing if you keep reading.

Sincerely yours,
Jamie M. Roy

Tue, 25 Apr 2006 02:57:29 GMT

Criminal injustice, rape, bigotry, war, unsloved murder, poverty. Yeah, you get the idea. There is no race segrigation anymore. Black on black crime, latin on latin, white on white. People killing with no motives, never knowing the person. Doing it all just for the thrill and false satisfaction. A woman walking down a dark alley all alone. She is scared. She is afraid that if she blinks, they will get her. Well honey, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that its ok to blink. You dont have to, but you can. The bad news is that it doesnt matter because they will get you anyway. Some junkie who just needs a little action and then leaves you for dead. I see and hear things like these everyday and I just wonder, what must be going on in the minds of the sick and twisted? Who are we to blame for the heinous crimes? The music, with its subliminal messaging and highly influential artists? What about the movies with its gratuitous sexual nature and violent explosions? We can always point our finger at video games, where you can control a person with a weapon at your very fingertips. But you know what I think, a motive to do harm is above all that. We need to blame the politicians who sit in their chairs of indescribable power sending the young and the poor on the frontlines of war to die like dogs for a lost cause. We need to blame the overzealous religious fundamentalists who believe that, "If you dont believe in God, you will BURN IN HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY!" They turn relgion into a dictatorship for the masses to eat up and enjoy. We need to blame all the people in the world who go out of their way to make others feel like shit, get picked on, or bullied for being different. I know what your thinking. Does he hate his country? No, rebellion is a form of patriotism believe it or not. Well he has to be anti-religion. Although I dont personally conform to an organized religion, no, I have nothing against ones personal beliefs. I am personally against the misplaed hatred and ignorance we have for our fellow people. Dont you think its a little absurd to hate someone for their skin color, what they wear, or religious beliefs? Do we really need to have a war over it? I thought we were a land founded on freedom and helping one in need? I guess I was wrong. Freedom isnt free anymore, nothing is. We dont care for our people, be it race, countrymen, or religious followers. Everyone wants solitary power but will never get it. Should I even mention anything about unity, will it ever happen? Are there any answers left?

Sun, 23 Apr 2006 04:17:06 GMT

Sometimes you can find all the answers in the most awkward and unknown places. I cant explain it, but those who have experienced it know what I'm talking about.

Much Love, J-Roy

Sat, 08 Apr 2006 03:10:42 GMT

Disclaimer: This entry is shitty. Very shitty. I basically wrote this out of boredom. The whole entry was written on the computer first, and I hate doing that.I dont know why, I just like doing things analog first if anything. But either way, read and give me your honesty. Maybe you will think different.

Sometimes I wonder why I ever write. It's not like it will matter to anyone. It is not as true and as real as I wish it could be no matter how much positive or negative response I recieve. Maybe I should just stop. I don't know. The thing I realize is that at the time, I am stuck here. In good ol' Fraser, Michigan. What the fuck lies in Fraser, Michigan? The most corrupt cops i've ever encountered in my life, a high school where its the bare minimum of any moderate civilization, and not to mention the town itself is only a radius of 4 square miles. Nice. I think i might die here, not by choice, but by force. The point is that I am at a temporary writers block and I dont think it will go away until I find clarity in another state, country, maybe even planet and it may last for years. I realized that michigan is home, I can't change that. But I promise everyone that I will one day see the earth for what it is. See all the mysteries of the world. I will fucking travel for the rest of my life and I will record it all just for you people. Whoever you are. I cant stay here, I refuse to. A good person told me never to be ordinary and that I will achieve the best in life. I will do just that because I dont have the heart to tell her no. I almost can't. Everyone was put on the earth for some reason. I will do something for the sake of art someday and all I can hope for is that people will respond. Time will tell. Until then, I will sit here waiting, writing about what I see as of now, and let the good and bad times roll, because I need to stay focused through all of it. As you continue to read this, you may think im an asshole or I need a helmet so I think I'll just stop for now.

Much love

Jamie Michael Roy

April 2006

Mon, 13 Mar 2006 00:22:51 GMT

It All Went So Right: Part 1

He stood in front of the bathroom mirror. He didn't like what was looking back at him. The sad, disgusting depletion of a man. He knew that he was like all of them, fake. He put on a completely different face in front of all these people that he considered his friends. He didn't want these people to know who he really was, because if they knew, they wouldn't understand a thing and would call him crazy just because they didn't know how to deal with it. They were the type of people who liked things the way they were, fearing change and couldn't accept the harshness of reality. So they stayed mentally incarcerated and secluded in their own lives. So why was he trying to impress these people so much? Because they were the socially elite and he wasn't. These were the ones who dictated what was cool and acceptable and if you questioned them, you were an outsider. He knew nothing else. Even though it killed him inside because he hated their views and everything about them. He wishes that once, only once that he can tell them like it is. How he really feels. If that happened, nothing would be safe. He wouldn't skip a beat and they would be forced to listen. By the time he's done, their faces would be ghost white with horror and they wouldn't have anything left. But he'll never do that, he's too afraid. Of what you ask? He's afraid that if he tells it the way it should be, they wouldn't know how to handle it and abandon him, and only then is when he would know what real alienation would feel like. He's not wrong. So instead he stands in front of the bathroom mirror. His reflection was disgusted at what he saw. "YOU FUCKING LOSER. YOU'RE A PIECE OF SHIT, YOU'RE EVERYTHING YOU SAY YOU HATE. LOOK AT YOU. YOU MAKE ME SICK. FUCK YOU!!!". His reflection would just keep yelling at him and he would take it. Until one day, when he was fed up with the shit. He talked back to his reflection in a violent way which resulted in him punching out the bathroom mirror, ending all the self-abuse. His hand started bleeding profusely. He saw his hand, red with blood and passion, and turned it into a fist. As it resumed to run down his fist and on to his forearm, the adrenaline started taking over and his only thoughts were...

"Well, the hard part is over, I just took care of myself, now its their turn."

Wed, 22 Feb 2006 23:00:52 GMT

YAY!!! Just got my computer up again today which is good cuz i think i was gonna go on a killing rampage and take out a busload of orphans, or a rampage that involves crying, watching degrassi, masterbating and listening to the cure all at the same time. Either way, im as stable as i can get and i decided to write on this again. Im not gonna try and make it the typical thing like everyone else does. The point im trying to get at is that i have been writing for a long while now and i decided to get your opinion on my work. This is something I wrote a few weeks ago, its not the best ive done but this is a trial run. So here we go. PLEASE BE HONEST.

It's hard in life to find someone in the same emotional state as you. I just wish I could find someone to share my pain with. To share my joy, my depression, my misery with. Someone who I can give the world to and not regret it at all, not even for a second. It would be great to have someone who has the same rejection as me, and im not talking about rejection of someone you had affection for, but when you reject yourself and see your own personal failure. I want someone who can look failure dead in the eyes and learn from it, get stronger from it and move on rather than wallow in it. If I had that, life would be worth living. You see these people who consider love and affection material bullshit. Thats not love. Love is when you can cut your stomach open and literally spill your guts out to someone and they can tell you that they understand because they have been through it. To me, thats love, that shows you were thinking about them, not flowers and candy. Kafka says that loneliness is the most beautiful thing because one can really get in touch with themselves. He's right in every sense. I have found myself, I know who I am, and now I need to find you. Whoever you are. I will travel for you in the highest mountains, the most remote locations, and the most grueling conditions there are. It is until that moment I will find happiness, solidarity, stability, and most importantly, LOVE. You hold the key to structure and you wait patiently thinking the same thoughts that I am. You are true beauty no matter how you look on the outside. Because inside there is something that even all the failure and rejection in the world can't take away. Its just hard to find. But I will look forever, until I drop dead, even if I never find it, beacuse I know that I still tried. I know that its out there, waiting for someone.

Much Love, J-Roy

Mon, 20 Jun 2005 20:08:56 GMT

Save me from my sanity

Tue, 07 Jun 2005 19:50:42 GMT

hmmm, havent really updated in a while. Not too much has really happened. Finals are turning out to be easier than i thought they wuld be, regardless i know im still going to summer school. I dont mind it at all, its just the whole money aspect. But on a brighter note, my uncle is fixing up our old car and I FUCKING GET IT which is awesome. Other than that i dont really know. Summer is looking to start of cool i guess, i can complain. And if u didnt see star wars yet, may god have mercy on your soul.

Later

Fri, 27 May 2005 23:47:28 GMT

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away

STAR WARS

Wed, 18 May 2005 04:04:57 GMT

Anyone willing to start a fucking band with me, cuz quite frankly i have nothing better to do

Mon, 09 May 2005 03:06:18 GMT

what is up everybody, i havent updated in a while so i might as well now. Saturday was one of the coolest concerts ever. Mnemic, Hypocrisy, Dark Tranquillity, and SOILWORK. all of the bands were exceptionally good and ive never been thrown around and bruised up in a pit. Ive got bruises everywhere including my arms and neck, scratches on my back, and a ver very mild black eye. and i would do it all over again in a fucking heartbeat. i think the best part was before we went in harpo's, and some dude came up to us and asked us if we believed in jesus and tried to give us a little book, i said i belived in him but didnt want a book and he tried to talk to us about jesus and we told him to leave, as he left, i yelled SATAN IS AWSOME. It was truely a great night and i was with good people. I suggest everyone goes to see soilwork cuz u wont be disappointed.

Later,

J-Roy

Fri, 22 Apr 2005 00:48:48 GMT

hello cruel world, i finally got my fucking internet back, which reminds me, tech support people can go to hell. but either way its cool. Sunday was the best, i went to go see the glory known as fantomas with the coolest couple in the world. Brian Brock, and Alana (i'm so sorry i forgot your last name, but it will be brock in the future). either way, they are the coolest people ever. and fucking mike patton is brilliant. who else constructs a band of guys who were already in great bands. you got King Buzzo (Melvins), Dave Lombardo (Slayer), and Trevor Dunn (yeah fuck him) lol just kidding. but that was they sweetest concert next to ozzfest. Brian sorry i smacked you in the face. But this weekend is gonna be cool so im out, i will talk to this dumbass thing later

Much Love,

J-Roy

Wed, 30 Mar 2005 23:55:34 GMT

What a series of event during this vacation, i dont know where to start, oh wait yeah i do. Jessy left me for the one, the only, Scott Ryan. Which was a shock to me as it is to all the people who found it out. But wait it gets better, he claims to like her sooooo much enough to take her away from me, then he just breaks up with her. I was more shocked by that then her leaving me in the firat place. But god knows why that happened. People need to learn to deal with shit. Its all good though, i still got love for jessy, and im happy for the first time in a while. It was a rocky start but this vacation is ending up to be a good one. and for all the people who had my back and defended me for jessys scott decision (u know who u are), i give u guys thanks and consider u a good friend, and i got yer back in any situation. Lets see how the rest of this vacation ends up.

Much love,

J-Roy

Sun, 13 Mar 2005 18:14:50 GMT

Well i havent done one of these in a while and thank god. I dont know why im doing this one but oh well. It seems like whenever I write one of these fucking things someone always put, "oh why did you write that, whats that supposed to mean", well you know what fuck you, because this is the shit i get from the same people that tell me to write this shit. Excuse me if i dont write shit like," oh well today me and my friends went to the mall and saw some piece of shit movie and saw some other people we knew and blah blah blah blah, i dont know who this interests, but whoever it does, they need help, not that im saying that my shit is any better, but i put effort into writing. Lately i have come to realize that it isnt just republicans that do this, but once people get money, they think that they are better than everybody, says fucking who, those people are no fucking better than anybody, they just eventually become more of a fucking racist when they turn around 40 because they are afraid somebody is going to take their money. I really hope that i never turn into that. i just to be good to people who arent dickheads. Dont get me wrong, i like money, but i dont want enough to get to the point where i turn out like that. Thats why i like living the way i am, no money, but not quite yet poor, but close enough. And then the people in my life are telling me that i dont try and get a job or good grades. If you asked me this last year, i would agree with you all the way, but i feel like i have turned a new leaf, i see the world through all the bullshit and drama. I can see now what to avoid and stay away from, i can fight my battles the way i want to, i know that teachers dont believe in the students, they are just worried, because they know one day, we will run the country and take over the world and there are no signs of us getting better. this country breeds lazyness, obesity, and a shit load of stupidity. and secondly, fuck you who think i havent tried to get a fucking job, just because i cant get hired as fast as other people, doesnt mean im not trying, people dont want to hire me for some reason, i cant tell you why, but if i knew, i would eliminate that problem anyway i can, because i just want to get by without peoples bullshit. I just need motivation, but i can hardly get any. The people i love dont even really believe in me or themselves, its just like, "oh, im here, your here, you dont try, i dont care, goodbye." Although i cant say that my friends dont have my back, they wuld do anything for their friends, and im talking about the people you have known all your life, those are the people you consider frineds, but for some reason, i have come to realize that they are turning all depressed and finding their purpose. And it seems like all the other people in my life are bitching at me for the dumbest shit, so i guess im on my own for now, dont get me wrong, im not depressed at all, im just embracing the fact that i dont have much and cherishing what i have. I think anger is what keeps me going. but i'll get a job hopefully and things will be ok and all will be well, i have a feeling that this summer will be awsome.

Until then, i'll see you in hell
Your friend, enemy, and worst nightmare,

J-Roy